A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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