We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Small penises have feelings too.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
