Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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