Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
