She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
