You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
