she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
