I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
