it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
