Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
