I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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