Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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