I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
