i would punch a child for taco bell
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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