Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
