well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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