we're chasing vodka with high fives
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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