Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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