peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
