Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
