I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
