tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
