I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
