He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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