Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
