I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
