Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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