no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
