we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
