What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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