as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This baby is an asshole
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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