I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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