508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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