I don't think brook has ever known best
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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