I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
