Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
