can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
