the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
