is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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