I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
