Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
