there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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