Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
