I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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