The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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