I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
