dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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