Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be still, my beating vagina.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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