I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
