oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
