I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
