you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's blow job season.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
