I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
