I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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