Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
