I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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