Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have feelings that need drinking.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
