I must be too annoying 4 u.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
