He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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